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Poetry by myriadwhitedarkness


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Submitted on
March 23, 2014
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The Deserved Murder

Whether from the inside or out
I know now that without a doubt
You’re dead, no longer a thorn in my side
Now do I care for the laws that abide

To this crime? no, for you have killed my beloved kin
With a never ending grin, time and time again.
Should I mourn because you have a family and kids
When you’ve stashed the hearts of my brethren in lids?

Fool, who do you think I am?
Some foolish man that believes in Uncle Sam?
Freedom for all and justice? Please, they do you no good.
I’m the shadow of vengeance shrouded in a black hood.

Whether the world thinks of my deed good or bad
You will never once hear me become sad.
Over a monster like you that only killed and pillage
Now if your ghost is looking at me, good, for I shall smile as I send your dead body to your village.
This poem took about 4 minutes while thinking of the night and what comes along with it at times.

Is there anything I can do to make this flow better or make the effect stronger?

Is there anything to make the Rhyme Scheme better?

Does the poem fit the genre of emotion?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconthysilverdoe:
Hmm. There were parts of this that I really liked for example: "You're dead no longer a thorn in my side." There was a lot of emotion in this - you could feel the rage, the loss, the need for vengeance. My quibble was in that parts of this the poem seemed compromised to fit the form rather than able to flow freely. I would suggest in the future that mayhaps you would try free form rather than trying to find adequate words to fit a specific form or rhyme scheme. However, on the whole I really did like this. The first four stanzas are probably my favorite.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
31 out of 31 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconjordanthekiller063:
Hi! My name is Andy and I will be critiquing your poem!

Vision: I really love the first stanza. The first two lines show that you are positive about this thought. I really can relate to "You're dead, no longer a thorn in my side". You go on to show anger and sadness almost, then onto revenge. Five stars from me, no doubt.
Originality: I don't see poetry like this very often, and when I do its not very good. Most poems are about being unique or in love. I like how you didn't just rush into it, but instead you sort of explained the pain and then the consequence you would give. Five stars.
Technique: I am not usually into the whole rhyming stuff, but you pulled it off. It's very interesting, and I can relate to this poem. 4.5 stars.
Impact: Like I mentioned earlier, I can relate to this, strongly. It shows that people will eventually snap when pushed to the limit, when everyone they cared for or everything they cared about is taken from them. Five stars, no questions.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
27 out of 27 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:icon96-me-hatter-10:
96-Me-Hatter-10 Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I think this is a really interesting poem. 
It has a theme that is really a smart theme. 
Simple and easy to understand. 
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
indeed it does, thank you!
Reply
:icon96-me-hatter-10:
96-Me-Hatter-10 Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You are welcome.
Reply
:iconlittlechikadee:
LittleChikadee Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2015
I really liked this overall. The only thing that stood out to me was the past-tense of kill and the present-tense of pillage in the second-to-last line, but I understand that it's supposed to rhyme. 
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Feb 18, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
oh really? hmm, interesting take on this one, but thank you none the less!
Reply
:iconninja-of-stars:
Ninja-of-Stars Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014  Hobbyist Artist
Wow this is really dark. I like how you set the dark and creepy mood for this poem...
Nice job!
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks! it is creepy! oh, if you wish to enter the raffle go to the journal i made. 
Reply
:iconanabellae20:
AnabellaE20 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
This is very nice. I like the way you laid it out and the dark feel of it was amazing. Your use of vocabulary is very interesting and the ending gave me chills. Another great poem and I think you've inspired me to pick up on writing again 😊
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
awesome! I hope writing comes again! it's such a great thing. 
Reply
:iconanabellae20:
AnabellaE20 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you, I hope so too 
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
yep, when you want me to read any of it, don't be afraid of sending it over
Reply
:iconanabellae20:
AnabellaE20 Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Ok thank you ^^
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
np
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:iconpocketful-of-corpses:
Pocketful-Of-Corpses Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Very dark, and a murder well deserved indeed. Interesting!
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
well gosh darn thank you! yeah, not all murder is bad!
Reply
:iconpocketful-of-corpses:
Pocketful-Of-Corpses Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I understand that I can be judged for what I am about to say, but I love murder in literature. Juicy, juicy death.
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
meh, it's fine, i have entire novel that has peole being fought and killed, so i can't say that death is a bad thing either. 
Reply
:iconmai-kuu:
mai-kuu Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Damn... And I was just emotional... And this just made me more emotional ...
my heart hurts.
trully
:icontearplz:
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
glad you like it! oh, wish to read the first cchapter of my novel? 
Reply
:iconmai-kuu:
mai-kuu Featured By Owner May 1, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
suure~
link plzzzzz :iconawplz:
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner May 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

arcnovaxiii.deviantart.com/art…

                thank you
Reply
:icontabachichi:
Tabachichi Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is amazing! ( can feel the smile on the murderers face :'<)
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

thank yah! Hey, are you interested in reading the first chapter of my novel?

 

Reply
:icontabachichi:
Tabachichi Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Absolutely, though im busy, im gonna check the rest of your novel as I have free time :>
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

arcnovaxiii.deviantart.com/art…

            thank you and take your time. 

Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
yep! thanks!
Reply
:iconirphotogirl:
IRphotogirl Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2014  Student Photographer
This poem is totally Dexter-ian -I love it :)
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:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
ah, thanks! plenty of people enjoyed this one too.
Reply
:iconh0saki:
h0saki Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
yup, it definitely fits in the genre of emotion, it leaves a really strong impact on the reader! I like it a lot. I think you have a talent for poems, you should write them more!
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 23, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
indeed! thanks!
Reply
:icondeeray16:
DeeRay16 Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2014
I really love it :)
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:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks! 
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:icontentaitora:
TentaiTora Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014
Great work, dear :)
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thank you!
Reply
:iconshaneprocrastinates:
ShaneProcrastinates Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014  Student General Artist
Awesome poem :)

Very interesting and captivating, I am left wondering what it is about :D

Just a tiny point, wouldn't pillage be pillaged, since you used past tense on killed ._. (Sorry, I had to point it out xD, don't mind me!)

Very nice read, keep it up! Have a great day.
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks, glad you enjoyed!
Reply
:iconbear48:
bear48 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014  Professional
Wicked and well written

thought provoking and deeply moving 
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
hanks!
Reply
:iconbanditcat123:
Banditcat123 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014
Carn't derside if you are describing Batman or the Joker. 
Good stuff. ;)
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:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
hmm, makes sense!
Reply
:iconfireshockerbill:
FireshockerBill Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Neat. :)
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
ah, thanks!
Reply
:iconfireshockerbill:
FireshockerBill Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome! :)
Reply
:icontickersymbol:
tickersymbol Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This poem has a strong impact with powerful emotion. I particularly like how you describe the crime being committed "with a never ending grin, time and time again." Very nice! There are a few tweaks you could easily make to assist with the flow and rhythm. One example:

Whether from the inside or out
I know now that without a doubt

could try...

Whether from within or out
I know now without a doubt

I suggest you play with the words and punctuation a bit. I bet you'll be very pleased with the result if you spend a little more time with this piece. Keep up the good work! :)
Reply
:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
hmm...thank you for the honest read! thank you!
Reply
:icontickersymbol:
tickersymbol Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime! :) :heart:
Reply
:iconrociobelindamendez:
rociobelindamendez Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2014
mm nice piece, I have a few suggestions if you don't mind hehe :) last line of the first stanza, "Now do I care for the laws that abide"
should be, or could be "Nor do I care for the laws that abide" seems to say what you're trying to a little better. 

for "Fool, who do you think I am? " Perhaps some exclamation points would best strengthen the voice "Fool!, who do you think I am?"
the re use of the word fool or foolish, is a bit too repetitive, instead of "
Some foolish man that believes in Uncle Sam? " you could say something like "some childlike man, who believes in Uncle Sam? 
"
Freedom for all and justice? Please, they do you no good. " perhaps, swap some words around, for easier reading and flow " Freedom and Justice for all? Please, they do you no good." 

THe first two lines of the last stanza, end with words that are quite small and colloquial, so maybe add a strong word before hand, and the syllables could match a little better eg
"
Whether the world thinks of my deed good or bad
You will never, I say ever! See me affected or even sad. 

you see what I mean?

then the last two lines vary in length, so it loses the flow

"
Over a monster like you that only killed and pillage" change pillage to pillaged ––make them both past tense. the second sentance needs to be shorter, you could get rid of the first part eg:
I shall smile as I send your dead body to your village.


:D I hope you understood my feedback, I tried to be as thorough as possible.. :) 

good work 

Rocio


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:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thans! glad the feedback is here, and thank you!
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:iconrociobelindamendez:
rociobelindamendez Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014
you're welcome!
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:iconterramarmsxiii:
TerramArmsXIII Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
thanks again!
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